LIFTING WEIGHTS MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

It was really difficult for me to hear that steady state cardio was not going to make me lose weight. I mean, it shouldn't have surprised me. I trained for a marathon and didn't lose a pound. I was overweight for years while running over 30 miles a week, and only when I stopped running 6 times a week and started boxing twice a week did the pounds start to creep off me. But despite all the evidence proving this, I still didn't want to believe it. 

But I stopped running, and started lifting. A lot. Well, Body Pump three times a week a lot. And I shouldn't even say 3 times a week because I'm not even done with the first week, but I know that this time, I'll actually continue lifting, and it'll actually make me stronger and healthier. If not, I'm going to return to this blog and yell at myself repeatedly. 

BUT ANYWAY... I feel better. I love this feeling. Every time I move several muscle groups hurt, but I love it. It's a constant reminder that this week, I GOT OFF MY ASS. And I'm definitely hallucinating, but in these hallucinations, I see that my body has begun changing after 2 weight lifting classes. I swear if I squint I can see muscles that weren't there before.... 4 days ago. And yes, I'm 100% full of shit, but this is one instance where I'm totally buying into the bullshit, because while I may be seeing muscles that aren't there, THEY WILL BE THERE, so I'll keep imagining that they already are. 

I do want to go running, and eventually I will. I also want to run another marathon, and I'm sure I'll do that too at some point. But I'll wait until my clothes fit, and my squat weight is more impressive. And even then... LOTS OF INTERVAL TRAINING. Plus Body Pump. And yoga, barre, HIIT, biking, pilates, and more. Can't I just work out all day? Can't that be my job? Please? 

I'm off to ice my quads. 

an open letter to the BC boys downstairs

Dear BC Boys,

We need to talk. About the bass coming out of your subwoofer. Now I love bass. I always have. But there is a time and a place for booming bass lines. When you foolishly decide that the time and place is ALWAYS and IN THE SAME HOUSE WHERE I LIVE, you violate the order of things, and ruin the bass line experience for the rest of us. So here are some things you need to know:

1. The songs you're listening to are terrible. All I hear is repetitive, unimaginative garbage. Get some taste. Expand your musical horizons. And for the love of GOD, if you're going to listen to a song on repeat while salivating over how wonderful the bass sounds, PONY BY GINUWINE IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE CHOICE.

2. It's currently 12:15 p.m. on a Saturday. Outside it is snowing. Our street, despite being the craziest BC party street in this area, is silent. All the other BC juniors are still sleeping off their hangovers. No one else will be awake until at least 2 p.m. to begin the process of rehydration and scrubbing Sharpie genitalia off their faces. WHAT ARE YOU DOING shaking our house with bass at this hour? Gatorade will rehydrate you. Nail polish remover will rub the Sharpie off your face. You would know these things if you'd spent the night partying like a normal undergrad instead of sitting alone in the living room being proud of the bass coming out of your subwoofer. And while you're at it, buy some blinds or curtains so the whole neighborhood can't see you all the time. It's weird that you wave at me every time I walk inside from parking my car.

3. You're scaring the crap out of my kitten. The wood floors vibrate through her little white paws, and she looks at me like the world is ending and will I please save her. Despite being a cat, not a lot scares my kitten. She's the kind to walk up to a brand new person, snatch an ice cube out of his drink, and proceed to play hockey with it for 10 minutes. DON'T SCARE HER.

4. Do not play anything by Florida Georgia Line. That's strictly girl music, and it's weird when you try to appropriate it into your world.

5. Some of us have jobs. Some of us have class. But all of us have things that we need to do on a semiregular basis that start at specific times, which means we have to go to bed at certain times in order to be conscious. I'm not asking for you to go to bed at 10 pm because my roommate does. I'm just asking you to turn to bass down so she can put on headphones at 10 pm and not still be kept awake BY THE FACT THAT HER BED IS SHAKING FROM YOUR BASS.

6. We've knocked on the door and asked you to turn down the bass, and you've been quite receptive to this (when you can hear us knocking, which is rarely, given the bass). But I think you're missing the point. Your bass should never be up that high. Your stereo should never be up that loudly. It's unnecessary. My roommate has a super nice subwoofer, and when she blasts music, it sounds LOUD and INCREDIBLE, and I can feel the floors vibrating... IN HER ROOM. On the second floor of this house. When I go upstairs to my room on the third floor, I can't hear it or feel it. If I can hear and feel your music from 2 floors away, you have it on so loud that YOU can't even really hear it because the bass is rattling all your dishes and the melody is reduced to a whine at a frequency only some animals can hear. That is completely unnecessary. Who are you trying to impress, playing music so loudly that you yourself can't enjoy it? You're missing the point. We shouldn't have to ask you to turn it down. You should be checking with us before turning it up for the occasional party, because COLLEGE. We went to it. We get it.

7. You're probably going deaf by this point. Get it checked out.

8. You now have the bass on in the house, as well as in your jeep, which is parked in the driveway. Now my ears are melting at the double assault of this unintentional mash-up of epic douche proportions. CUT. THE. SHIT. And watch Pitch Perfect, so you know how to do a mash-up correctly.

I hope this helps educate you on the acceptable way to enjoy bass. You just put on a Guns'n'Roses song, so perhaps all hope is not lost.

XOXO- Your upstairs neighbor

What Would My Mom Say: Gossip Girl Edition

My mom’s pretty awesome. She’s witty, brilliant, articulate, and able to effortlessly deliver authentic one-liners with perfect comedic timing. Interestingly enough, that sentence describes my father just as accurately (stay tuned for a later blog post, titled, “Daughter of mine, your skirts are too short: a collection of one-liners where comedy meets overprotective father”).

But back to my mother. We’re super close, and we talk constantly, but even when I’m not with her, I find myself thinking of how she would comment on a given situation. Halfway through an episode of CSI: Miami, when Calleigh Duquesne steps onto a crime scene, before I can stop myself, I’ve blurted out, “What is she wearing? They’re in a salt marsh and she’s wearing a white pantsuit? And is that decolletage really necessary? You’re examining a dead body for gunshot residue. What’s with the breasts on display?” (See examples below).

Frantic, I clap my hand over my mouth and sneakily side-eye everyone in the room. Did anyone else notice that my mother’s words just came out of my mouth?

Someone usually says, “Why are you looking at me funny?” because my side-eye is not sneaky or subtle at all, despite my efforts. Then I explain that I was wondering if they noticed that I just channeled my mother so eerily, hence the awkward side-eye, and of course no one cares because my mother and I speak and gesture identically, use the same voice, and say many of the same things, so there’s not really much of a difference between us, and everyone here knows my mom and loves her anyway so it isn’t weird that I’m channeling her, until I make it weird by explaining it in excessive detail when no one would have noticed in the first place because the only person who knows I’m channeling my mom is me because I’m inside my head and I know that I 100% don’t care what color suit Callie wears or if her tatas are hanging out of it. Then I make things worse by writing about this experience using a Law&Order SVU-style heinous run-on sentence so now when my mother DOES read this blog, she’ll call me, and judge me for my terrible sentence structure.

Looking forward to hearing from you Mama!

Long story long, I sometimes hear my mom’s hypothetical commentary at the most random of moments. I am currently binge-watching Gossip Girl (season 3 NO SPOILERS), and the following is a synopsis, then a list of things I think my mom would have said had she been watching this episode with me.

Season 3, Episode 15: The 16-year-old Virgin

My synopsis: 

Vanessa and Dan try to navigate the murky “best friends who slept together” waters with about as much success as any of us had in that same ocean in high school/college. Jenny contemplates losing her virginity to a drug dealer, and Serena, Rufus, Lily, Blair, and Nate conspire to show her that he’s a bad guy and to stay away from him. Lily and Rufus deal with relationship stuff that no one cares about because they’re old. Chuck’s mom resurfaces from the grave, bringing with her his abandonment issues and Blair waxes sad poetic that he’s not confiding in her. Serena tells everyone she was a slut at age 16, and is surprised when no one says, “No you weren’t.” Female employees accuse Chuck of sexual harassment, and clearly it’s unfounded because it’s not harassment if it’s CHUCK BASS because everyone wants a piece of that. Everyone. Man. Woman. Chimpanzee. Chuck Bass love knows no bounds. There is a party for some reason. Everyone awkwardly congregates in Brooklyn. Greek food. Couture. Picket lines. Smoldering Chuck Bass stares. THE END.

What Would My Mom Say? 

It's a weeknight. Don't they have homework? 

Don’t they go to school? They show the dorm room, but couldn’t they at least have them leaving a lecture hall once an episode? Is it that difficult to allude to learning taking place?

So all of these characters have dated each other? How many times? Don’t they know anyone else? Was high school/college like that for you honey?

*Answer: Yes.

Look at that cropped coat Serena’s wearing. Why won’t you wear anything like that?

*Answer: Because I have no torso or waist. Duh.

It’s nice to see some women with smaller chests on television.

LOOK AT THAT FLOWER ARRANGEMENT. FLAWLESS.

Look at that flower arrangement. HEINOUS.

Are any of the characters Jewish?

That’s funny. The Humphreys are supposed to be the ones without money, but that Brooklyn loft costs a fortune.

See honey? Their skirts aren’t all short. Learn from them. Please.

After Blair says, “Serena you haven’t eaten bread since middle school!”

FINALLY! Reality! I’m tired of all these shows portraying these skinny minnie women eating deep fried carbs all the time.

Everyone is wearing too much makeup. Absolutely everyone. Awful.

That coat is to die for. To. Die. For. I think it's Burberry.

Chuck Bass is definitely more attractive than Nate Archibald. Nate’s so girly. He has petite features. Kind of like every man you ever dated from age 14-20. Why did you pick all of these girly men? Thank goodness you’ve moved on from that phase.

A dorm-sponsored party for freshmen would never allow alcohol and would never be that nice.

*She’s 100% correct on this one.

DO THEY EVER GO TO CLASS? EVER? EVEN ONCE?

What does Serena.. do.. exactly? Other than being a yienta (Yiddish for busybody).

Honey, you’re prettier than any of these women. And I’m not just saying that because I’m your mother.

*False, but I’ll take it.

I’ll be right back.  

Twenty minutes later, I’d find her in another room of the house, having started a completely different activity because she couldn’t sit still through 40 minutes of a teen drama from 2010. Fact.

SO there you have it. What do you think? Have you ever thought about how YOUR mother (or father) would comment on one of your beloved TV shows?