not good enough.

my before picture is hideous

i’m disgusting

rolls of fat collecting around my middle almost down to my awkwardly skinny ankles.

my after picture is great, but somehow i think it’s just the angle

that i don’t really look that good

i can’t even appreciate my after picture because now i constantly compare myself to it.

i look at myself in the same mirror,

under the same lighting,

in the same position,

in the exact very same spot,

and i think i look fatter now than i did when i took the pic a month ago

and i’m so very disappointed because this is what i do.

i get thin,

i get fat,

i get thin,

i get fat. because i’m

destined to repeat this

disgustingly unhealthy cycle,

to never be satisfied,

to never settle.

but at what cost?

I can’t even appreciate my after picture, because i’m constantly comparing myself to it,

wondering if i’ve let myself go.

i panic.

first slowly, bit by bit,

little drops of fear collecting until i’m lying in a huge puddle of bright red failure, like a scene from CSI Miami, and Callie Duquesne’s about to show up with her perfect body and shiny blonde hair and take pictures of my horribly gory demise from moderately overweight person to thin person who was never totally satisfied with herself to slightly heavier person who’s on her way to becoming fat again.

and i’m trying to figure out when it started, when i first became a person who wasn’t comfortable in her own skin, but the memories are hazy, faded and blurry, strung together at random and mentally photoshopped by years of overanalyzing and my writerly imagination filling in the details that i don’t remember, probably never remembered.

I wasn’t born hating my body

sometimes I get glimpses of it, quick flashes of what it might be like to just enjoy the feeling of the sun on my skin, eyes closed, not a thought in the world, but then

walls of reality slam down around me, ruining everything because for just a second, I wasn’t worried that I look fat from this angle, the stretch marks on my legs are showing, I’ve eaten too many carbs today, and I should sit up straight and suck my stomach in and drink 3 liters of water so no food can fit in me and then lace up my sneakers and run until and I can’t feel feelings anymore and the trees in front of me swim and sway and threaten to swallow me whole

because i’m

not good enough.

no matter how much weight i lose it’s not good enough

i should lift more weights

eat less carbs

cut out processed foods, because gluten is bad! so are things that have more than 5 ingredients! ew!

because we sit here and

judge people’s bodies

judge what food they put in their mouths

and when

and judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

judge

and where the hell has that ever gotten us?

when you strip away

all the things that are supposed to keep you warm and happy and comfortable in your own skin

bulimia is the blanket you choose

you wrap yourself in lies

black is slimming

that’ll look great if you wear some spanx underneath

minimize this, maximize that

[[[and not now, but at some point CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SO THIN AND STILL HAVE BREASTS? thanks society, for creating an ideal for female beauty that’s LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for 95% of the population to obtain without plastic surgery, because when you get that thin your boobs go POOF,

but that’s a rant for another day.]]]

swathed in deceit

wrapped in illusion

push it up

suck it in

lift

tone

burn

tan

dye

paint

NO

just

NO

because it’s still

not good enough

there will always be jeans that don’t fit

there will always be someone with nicer abs than me

even if i make my body the most perfect thing it can be, abs of steel, muscles coiled around my bones like ropes

there will always be someone else who does it so naturally

so even if i finally build myself the perfect body, there will always be someone else who didn’t have to work as hard because they’re not BROKEN AND SAD like me.

so i’ll never be good enough.

i’ll never be thin enough,

pretty enough,

young enough,

have hair that’s

long enough,

i’ll never squat enough,

bench enough,

run far or fast enough.

i’ll never BE enough

so you know what?

i’m done.

and i’ve been trying to write the ending of this poem for a few days now, because i want to to end with hope, even the tiniest sliver of low-carb sugar-free portion-controlled panic-induced hope. but this isn’t a lifetime made-for-tv movie about anorexia. those always end well, with the beautiful girl in the hospital surrounded by loving family, and then they cut to a scene of her playing some sport because she got strong again, and yay, no more eating disorder. but what they don’t tell you is that you never get over an eating disorder. you’re never fixed. you’re just stronger than you were before, and that’s the best you can hope for. so this isn’t the end of my story. i’m going to struggle with this for my entire life.

but there is hope.

because today, i’m going to eat something with more than 30 grams of carbs in it and

you know what?

i’m not going to have a panic attack.

maybe i’ll stop when i’m full.

maybe i’ll stop when i’ve stuffed myself.

maybe i’ll obsessively cut it in half and then log it into myfitnesspal.

but maybe not.

and tomorrow, i’m going to lie out and read a book in a bikini and every time i wince and cringe and want to curl up into a ball or go inside or readjust myself so i look better i’m going to remember that

my stretch marks are battle scars

my hair might actually grow long again

my lovehandles are a trophy, not a source of shame

and if what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

if we really believe that

then we shouldn’t hide our scars

and if anyone says a word to me about them

any of the marks 20 years of disordered eating left on my body

if someone says one single disrespectful word

i’m going to tell them the story of the battle taking place inside my skin

i’m going to read them this poem.

Spicy Vegetarian Pho Recipe

I love Pho. I do. As a child, my mom used to bring me to an occasional lecture at University of Texas at Dallas (she taught grad school marketing) and on the way home we’d always go to Pho Huy. Even then, I was a picky eater, and she’d give them Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally-esque directions to the waiters so they’d make something I would eat. Eventually, they memorized it. Eventually, vegetarian pho became a thing. 

This recipe takes awhile to make. Sorry. I’m going to be up front about this. If you want something that is quick, easy, healthy and tasty, look elsewhere. This takes time. And it’s one of those recipes that actually gets shittier if you don’t take your time, because the flavors don’t set into the broth enough.

This recipe is different from many pho recipes I've found for a few reasons. I use more garlic, onions and ginger. I also add the peppers, which gives is a kick. I also cook the vegetables in the soup on the stove, which I suppose you could avoid by blanching them beforehand, but I already use two pots, and I didn't feel like using another. However, if you do blanche them, cut out step 2 and add all that into step 3. 

Ingredients:

FOR STEP 1: the broth

½ of a large onion (any kind will do).

8 garlic cloves, halved

several slices of ginger (just hack away at a frozen piece of it with a knife. Whatever you can slice off in 30 seconds will be enough)

1 cinnamon stick

2 pods of star anice

6 cloves

1 poblano pepper, cut into chunks

1 jalapeno pepper, de-seeded, cut into chunks.

soy sauce (a couple tablespoons will do)

32 oz of vegetable stock (I use two boxes from Whole Foods. Sometimes I switch brands and the amount of ounces changes. It’s not a huge deal).

Sidenote: Use gloves when dealing with the jalapeno. I wish my mom had told me that sooner, before I couldn’t take out my contacts for 2 days because my hands still stung my eyes.

FOR STEP 2: COOKING inside the soup:

protein: 

8 ounces of tofu, sliced thinly and pan-fried in as little oil as possible

OR

1.5 cups edamame

vegetables: choose up to 3 cups of the following, in any combination:

onion, sliced thin

snow peas

broccoli, sliced thin

carrots, sliced thin

zucchini, sliced thin

yellow squash, sliced thin

FOR STEP 3, TO BE ADDED TO SOUP AFTER IT’S COOKED:

hoisin sauce

limes, sliced into wedges

sririacha chili paste

beans sprouts

cilantro or basil

Directions:

STEP 1: 

1.     Put onion, garlic, ginger, cinnamon, star anise, cloves, poblano and jalapeno in a big pot. Spray the bottom with a tiny bit of olive oil spray (so cleaning this pan isn’t a stage 5 nightmare), but for the most part, dry roast them on high heat until they start to char. Stir frequently. Be prepared. You will cough. Your eyes will tear. This happens when onion, jalapeno, and poblano have an orgy at high heat on your stove. Your roommates may yell at you, or pretend they spontaneously came down with a chest cold to explain their sudden coughing. Let them get away with it. They’ll probably enjoy the soup later.

 

2.     When you can’t take it anymore/the veggies are charred, add the broth and soy sauce and bring to a boil again. Once it’s boiling, turn it down and let it simmer for 25 minutes. I recommend watching an episode of New Girl on Netflix, because it’s the perfect amount of time.

3.     If you’re using tofu, now is a good time to pan fry it. You can do this with regular tofu, tofu you’ve pressed for 24 hours, or tofu you’ve pressed in a half-assed way by wrapping it in cloth and stacking your knife block on top of it for an hour. Slice it. Spray the pan. Go nuts until it turns a nice, golden color and gets crispy on the outsides. Then slice it into tiny strips and place it aside.

4.     Taste it. If you feel like the flavors haven’t sunk into the broth enough, let it simmer for longer. If it’s too spicy, add more broth and let it go for another 10 minutes. Your call.

5.     Put a strainer over another pot and pour the soup into it. You’re done with all those mushy vegetables, but I recommend eating some of the onions if you’re hungry/impatient.

STEP 2:

6.     Put the strained soup back onto the stove. Turn the heat on low. Toss in all the ingredients for step 2: whatever vegetables you’re using and your choice of protein. Let simmer for 10 minutes or so, depending on how much you want the vegetables to cook. The purpose is to let the flavorful broth cook the vegetables.

Sidenote: When I get Pho in a Vietnamese restaurant, they don’t do this. They just give you the veggies, which appear lightly cooked if cooked at all, and then when I put them in the soup they magically cook. Somehow, when I do it this way at home, the veggies are way too crunchy and it’s weird. My preference is to cook them for awhile, just to let them soften slightly. They won’t be as soft as the veggies you used to flavor the soup.

STEP 3:

7.     Add cilantro or basil (not both, just pick one), sprouts, and thin noodles if you want to. I didn’t really include them in this recipe because I’m very carb sensitive, but if you want to, cook them while the soup is simmering during step 2, drain, and toss them in now. Use anything but regular noodles… rice noodles, buckwheat noodles, pad thai noodles, whatever. Regular noodles might work if you get angel hair actually.. But once I used spaghetti and it was extremely awkward.

8.     Squeeze at least one lime’s worth of juice in there. If you want, toss a tablespoon of hoisin sauce. I included the sriracha because you get it with pho at restaurants, but I find I don’t need the spice since I use the jalapeno and poblano to flavor the broth. Your call.

9.     Let it cool, then dig in.

Final Sidenote: You can adapt this recipe in so many ways. I just made it with zucchini, edamame, and onions as vegetables because I literally had nothing else on hand. I also couldn’t find my star anise, and I was out of hoisin sauce (though at this point I should just start buying it from Costco). I also didn’t have bean sprouts, because those require forethought and I thought of this soup when I was already in pajamas (at 5 p.m. don’t judge) and wasn’t about to dig out my car keys. I missed them, but otherwise it was fine.

PICTURES TO COME! My phone is acting weird. :(