Be proud of where you're at RIGHT NOW.

This is not a before pic. This is not an after pick. This is a “I’m feeling strong, confident, and happy in my own skin so I’m going to show you what USED TO BE my least favorite part of my body because I’m a BADASS” pic.


Now, my stomach is my favorite part of my body, even though it’s still the least toned. You want to know why? Because my stomach shows that I’m still kicking. I’ve been through some terrible times personally and professionally. I’ve spent whole years starving myself and existing on diet pills and diet soda. I’ve binged, and purged, and compulsively exercised all because I didn’t feel good in my own body. And I’m still here. I’m still kicking. I’m still getting stronger, physically and emotionally, than I’ve ever been before, especially when I was 30 pounds lighter. My stretch marks, my cellulite, my lovehandles? They are battle scars from a time when I wasn’t taking care of my body, so my body took care of itself. I wear this body - every inch and pound of it - with pride.


Every time I start to hate on my body (and it happens, because this is a loooong-term process) I remind myself that I’m doing all the right things. I’m improving my balance, strength, flexibility, energy and mindset by eating right 80% of the time, exercising consistently, and surrounding myself with like-minded people who hold me accountable and help push me to be a better version of myself every day than I was the day before.


So while I’m sure in a few months I’ll post another pic, and I’m sure in it my body will be significantly more toned, I don’t think it’ll mean as much to me as this one.


So please please please please PLEASE be proud of your now. Appreciate where you are in this exact moment in time. I don’t care if you were thinner 2 years ago or you’re going to be 10 pounds lighter by May, BE PROUD OF YOUR NOW.


You know what? SHOW ME. Post a pic below. Show me your favorite part of your body, your least favorite part of your body, or anything else. Show me your muscles, or your scars, or your lovehandles, I don’t care show me something!


If you want to do it but aren’t sure where to start, show me calves because I am a total calf person and I LOVE looking at them and appreciating them.


If you want to post a pic but you don’t feel comfortable, get in touch. I can help you get there.


*Also, don’t mind the background of these pictures. I took them in my landlord’s place because our apartment is too teeny to fit a full-length mirror. To her credit, when I knocked and said, “Can I take a photo of my stomach in your mirror?” she asked no questions at all.

Transformation Tuesday /// from Starved to Strong

BEFORE, I was slowly starving myself.

At the time I was so proud. I had just lost 25 pounds in 3 months with a restrictive diet of pre-portioned, processed foods that totaled 800 calories a day. My high school prom dress fit. Every 2 weeks I went shopping and bought the smallest jeans I could fit into, and to my joy the pants size kept getting smaller.

It’s taken years to admit that despite weighing less than I did in high school, and fitting into a size 3, I wasn’t healthy. It was even harder to admit that I slid right back into the dangerous eating habits I thought I had left behind in high school.

After all, I never looked like the stereotype. I knew people with eating disorders didn’t all look like the stereotype: gaunt and skeletal with sharp, visible hips and countable ribs. I knew it wasn’t a disorder for the visibly skinny only. But somehow I still couldn’t see it in myself. Plus, I still looked like me, aside from thinning hair and slightly sunken eyes. I think. I don’t know. I still don’t have enough distance to be objective.

I definitely didn’t FEEL good. I was weak. Little, stupid tasks were hard, like carrying a load of laundry or walking up a flight of stairs. I hadn’t exercised in months, since I was eating so few calories.

I was super unhappy. At my thinnest, I still felt fat. Food was my enemy, and I lived in fear of gaining weight and relinquishing the ironclad control I had over my body. I had to eat less and less to maintain. Eventually I couldn’t.

I wish I could say I had an epiphany and changed my habits right away. I wish I could say I started using portion control and (mostly) clean eating to build a healthy relationship with food and using regular (but not excessive) exercise to improve my strength, balance, and flexibility.

But I didn’t. It took a few more years, countless rounds of dangerous dieting, and a lot of anxiety and shame for me to get to where I am now.

NOW, I exercise and eat healthily because it makes me feel good.

Now, I’m stronger than I have been in years.

Now, I look in the mirror and I’m proud of what I see.

NOW, though my body is far from perfect, I’m happier in my own skin.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not done. I still have muscle to gain, and fat and inches to lose. I have many mental hurdles to overcome. I still fall into spirals of negativity and unhealthy habits. Progress is slow, because as it turns out, eating 800 calories a day on and off for a few years does a number on your metabolism. But each day I work towards being healthier, inside and out, mind and body. And I’m doing it the right way, on my own terms.

Mindful eating, aka how I stopped eating my feelings.

Mindfulness is about being present in the moment, focusing on being here, now, and absorbing and enjoying and interacting with your surroundings, instead of worrying about what happened yesterday, or what’s going to happen (or not happen) tomorrow, next week, next year.

Now I could go on and on about mindfulness and how practicing it has helped me recover from a lifetime of binge eating, anorexia and bulimia, but there are people better versed in it than me, so I’ll leave it to them.

I will, however, tell you my biggest takeaway:

The problem isn’t that we eat crap and feel bad. The problem is that we eat crap, feel bad, and are overcome with shame and guilt, which often leads to eating more crap, feeling more shame and guilt, and so on.

I never understood how people could eat crap, feel physically blech, and then get up and live life the next day. I would always let my sluggishness (because let’s be honest, my “crap” is ALWAYS carbs, thus the malaise) compound my shame and guilt. I’d eat more crap. I’d set a date 3 days in the future to stop eating crap, some arbitrary date because “It’s Monday” or “It’s February first” or “It’s 3 months exactly until bikini season.”

The arbitrary start date is a blog rant for another day, but you get what I’m saying.

Then I planned my cheats.

Actually, let’s call them indulgences. I hate the negative connotation of “cheats” and I hate the sound of the word “splurges.”

When someone offered me cupcakes, I wondered, “ Are they worth it? I am going to Friendsgiving this Saturday and I really want to splurge on sweet potato pie with marshmallows on top. Do I really want these cupcakes? Are they that important?”

Then I thought, “I’m going to wait 10 minutes and reevaluate my need for these cupcakes.”

Later that night, someone offered me a drink and I said, “I’ll see how I feel in a little bit,” and I meant it. Then I forgot about it entirely because as it turned out, my body wanted a buttload of seltzer, as it usually does.

What began as a single-minded goal of only indulging when I planned to slowly helped me be more present. I thought about things more. I indulged less frequently. When I indulged, I ate less because I was actually enjoying it, rather than scarfing it down. I noticed when I was full. I ignored this and kept eating, but I stopped before I was uncomfortably full, and definitely before I was Louis CK full.

Suddenly I was a person who could indulge for one meal and get back on track. In the last week, I also became a person who could indulge for one meal that wasn’t planned ahead and get back on track.

I’ve been trying to figure out how it happened. I know it started with my goal of losing weight while still enjoying refined sugar occasionally, but it turned into something bigger, something that I apply most of the time now.

Then it occurred to me: It’s not about carbs, calories or crunches. It’s about being in control and aware of your mind and your emotions. Then you can think over your options carefully, and make an informed decision. Even if it’s a decision that involves far too much bourbon and/or onion rings, it’s a decision you made thoughtfully and mindfully, after considering the consequences.

By making thoughtful choices instead of impulsive ones, you eliminate (or significantly reduce) the shame and guilt. Without that shame and guilt, you can move on without eating crap for the next 5 days. The cycle ends there. Wait. There is no cycle.

You can only do this if you’re fully present in the moment that you’re in.

That is how I took control of my emotions and stopped eating them.

That sentence sounds really strange now that I reread it, but I kind of like it so I’m leaving it.

The weirdest thing is all the mental airspace that’s left now that I’m no longer feeling guilty and ashamed of every time I’m not 100% on point with my nutrition and exercise. In fact, I’m far from it. But I no longer feel awful about a missed workout or eating too many carbs. I just think, “Well, I’ll make healthier choices starting now.”

Sometimes I say things I used to say, like, “Ugh I’m so fat I shouldn’t have eaten that ____,” but I don’t really mean it. I'm not happy with my body right now, but I’m no longer actively shaming myself about it. It’s a body that I have as a result of thousands of tiny decisions I made and DNA, and I realize that it’s going to take a few thousand more tiny decisions to make it into something I’m prouder of. What’s a couple of onion rings in the grand scheme of things?

I’m going to Florida in 16 days and I thought I would be 15 pounds lighter by now, but I’m not. I can still see all the cellulite on my legs. But I’m so much happier that I almost don’t care. I trust the process. I know that I’m fixing my brain and my thighs will follow, and for the first time in my life I realize that my mindset is more important than my body fat percentage, and that, my friends, is huge.

Below are some tips on mindful eating from this website that I found extremely helpful!

How I'm avoiding the unhealthy spiral of the holiday season!

No one needs to be on a diet during the holiday season. Whether you want to lose 0 pounds or 200 pounds, you don’t need to count calories, cut out entire food groups, or miss out on social events with your friends and family. You can even LOSE weight, if that’s what you want.


What you DO need is a plan, because without a plan, the unhealthy spiral begins.

For me, it starts with Thanksgiving.

• The dinner stretches late into the night because I go back for seconds (okay fine thirds).
• I have leftovers for breakfast on Friday.
• Everyone is in town for the holiday, so we inevitably go out Friday night (and/or Saturday) and then I drink too much bourbon and inhale a box of Cheez-its at midnight (which I bought from Tedeschi because I don’t keep Cheez-its in the house).

The spiral continues from there through New Years...through New Years...

• I’m hungover, because I forget that I can't drink like I'm 22 anymore, so I order pizza and swear to eat healthy tomorrow.
• I wake up late, don’t pack a lunch, require 3 cups of coffee to function and then end up being up half the night.
• My friends throw a “Holiday Party” between Thanksgiving and Christmas so we can celebrate when people are in town. Cut to an entire table full of desserts. I eat 8 brownies.
• I get takeout, because why at this point what’s one more day.
• I feel sluggish so I don’t exercise. This compounds my sluggishness.
• My mood suffers due to lack of exercise.
• I binge-watch a show on Netflix and order Thai food. I do NOT select the delicious AND healthy items on the menu.

The spiral continues.

• The parties continue.
• I avoid the gym because the thought of putting on spandex is horrifying.
• I regret not buying some phony weight loss supplement from Amazon Prime on Black Friday.
• I start googling workout plans despite my frustration with the people who mob my gym after New Year’s (I can’t stand them even when I am one of them!). 

Considering how I usually feel by the time December 31st rolls around, is it any wonder that I hate New Year’s Eve?


NOT THIS YEAR.

This year I have a plan, and it involves eating healthy 80% of the time and splurging 20% of the time. It involves guilt-free treats most of the time, but sometimes full fat sugar-laden pie, because you can eat that occasionally when you HAVE a PLAN and you don't slide into the spiral I described above.

This year I have a plan, and it involves feeling good instead of depressed and lethargic as it gets cold outside. 

This year I plan to build muscle, lose fat, improve my flexibility and balance, and cook and eat great food. 

This year I say no to the spiral. 

Join me for a Game of Thrones-themed nutrition and fitness accountability group starting on November 30th!

We’ll focus on:

-Clean eating and portion control

-Half an hour of daily exercise

-Making a plan so we can enjoy the holidays to the fullest and get back on track the next day

-Game of Thrones-themed workout challenges, recipes and challenges!

Email me at leahnopants@gmail.com OR go to my website to sign up for a challenge pack!

LIFTING WEIGHTS MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

It was really difficult for me to hear that steady state cardio was not going to make me lose weight. I mean, it shouldn't have surprised me. I trained for a marathon and didn't lose a pound. I was overweight for years while running over 30 miles a week, and only when I stopped running 6 times a week and started boxing twice a week did the pounds start to creep off me. But despite all the evidence proving this, I still didn't want to believe it. 

But I stopped running, and started lifting. A lot. Well, Body Pump three times a week a lot. And I shouldn't even say 3 times a week because I'm not even done with the first week, but I know that this time, I'll actually continue lifting, and it'll actually make me stronger and healthier. If not, I'm going to return to this blog and yell at myself repeatedly. 

BUT ANYWAY... I feel better. I love this feeling. Every time I move several muscle groups hurt, but I love it. It's a constant reminder that this week, I GOT OFF MY ASS. And I'm definitely hallucinating, but in these hallucinations, I see that my body has begun changing after 2 weight lifting classes. I swear if I squint I can see muscles that weren't there before.... 4 days ago. And yes, I'm 100% full of shit, but this is one instance where I'm totally buying into the bullshit, because while I may be seeing muscles that aren't there, THEY WILL BE THERE, so I'll keep imagining that they already are. 

I do want to go running, and eventually I will. I also want to run another marathon, and I'm sure I'll do that too at some point. But I'll wait until my clothes fit, and my squat weight is more impressive. And even then... LOTS OF INTERVAL TRAINING. Plus Body Pump. And yoga, barre, HIIT, biking, pilates, and more. Can't I just work out all day? Can't that be my job? Please? 

I'm off to ice my quads.