The Bucket Incident: How I learned the facts about periods, sex, and everything else.

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Transformation Tuesday /// from Starved to Strong

BEFORE, I was slowly starving myself.

At the time I was so proud. I had just lost 25 pounds in 3 months with a restrictive diet of pre-portioned, processed foods that totaled 800 calories a day. My high school prom dress fit. Every 2 weeks I went shopping and bought the smallest jeans I could fit into, and to my joy the pants size kept getting smaller.

It’s taken years to admit that despite weighing less than I did in high school, and fitting into a size 3, I wasn’t healthy. It was even harder to admit that I slid right back into the dangerous eating habits I thought I had left behind in high school.

After all, I never looked like the stereotype. I knew people with eating disorders didn’t all look like the stereotype: gaunt and skeletal with sharp, visible hips and countable ribs. I knew it wasn’t a disorder for the visibly skinny only. But somehow I still couldn’t see it in myself. Plus, I still looked like me, aside from thinning hair and slightly sunken eyes. I think. I don’t know. I still don’t have enough distance to be objective.

I definitely didn’t FEEL good. I was weak. Little, stupid tasks were hard, like carrying a load of laundry or walking up a flight of stairs. I hadn’t exercised in months, since I was eating so few calories.

I was super unhappy. At my thinnest, I still felt fat. Food was my enemy, and I lived in fear of gaining weight and relinquishing the ironclad control I had over my body. I had to eat less and less to maintain. Eventually I couldn’t.

I wish I could say I had an epiphany and changed my habits right away. I wish I could say I started using portion control and (mostly) clean eating to build a healthy relationship with food and using regular (but not excessive) exercise to improve my strength, balance, and flexibility.

But I didn’t. It took a few more years, countless rounds of dangerous dieting, and a lot of anxiety and shame for me to get to where I am now.

NOW, I exercise and eat healthily because it makes me feel good.

Now, I’m stronger than I have been in years.

Now, I look in the mirror and I’m proud of what I see.

NOW, though my body is far from perfect, I’m happier in my own skin.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not done. I still have muscle to gain, and fat and inches to lose. I have many mental hurdles to overcome. I still fall into spirals of negativity and unhealthy habits. Progress is slow, because as it turns out, eating 800 calories a day on and off for a few years does a number on your metabolism. But each day I work towards being healthier, inside and out, mind and body. And I’m doing it the right way, on my own terms.

This one goes out to my team

This one goes out to my team. Usually, this is the time of year when as the days get shorter, I get depressed. I am NOT a winter person.

Today, I was feeling that almost-winter malaise, but then I went on Facebook, clicked on my health and fitness accountability group, and 20 minutes later I was doing single-leg squat jumps while my cat judged me from a corner.

You all inspire me so much! You are all wonderful and I appreciate your honesty, your work ethic, your creativity, and your enthusiasm, especially today when I really needed it.

Some of you I've never met, and some of you I've known for years, but we are connected in our common goal of getting stronger, healthier, and happier. You are the team I haven't had since high school and college that I've missed so much as an adult.

LOVE YOU GUYS!

PS: In case you're wondering what team--> I'm running an ongoing Healthy and Fit Through the Holidays Accountability group online! If you are interested, or want more info, shoot me an email at leahnopants@gmail.com I run these accountability groups regularly so if you're stumbling upon this page at some later point in time, don't hesitate to get in touch!

 

RECIPE: How to make a GREAT, non-mushy tortilla pizza!

21 Day Fix Container Count:

If you make your own or find no sugar added sauce: 1 yellow, 1 green, 1 blue

If you only have sauce that contains added sugar: 1 yellow, ½ green, ½ purple, 1 blue

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 tortilla (preferably sprouted, because sprouted tortillas are heartier than normal tortillas and better for you, but whole grain will work)
• ½ cup of tomato sauce
• ¼ cup shredded cheese (I use a combination of cheddar, mozzarella, and parmesan)
• ½ cup broccoli chopped into tiny pieces
• cooking spray

EQUIPMENT:

• pizza stone (see my note at the end of the recipe about this)
• spatula
• cutting board

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 400. Put pizza stone in oven immediately, because it needs to heat up with the oven.
2. Spray one side of the tortilla. Flip it over. The other side is the top. Put it on a stiff cutting board for preparation.
3. Spread ½ cup of tomato sauce on tortilla. Go easy on the sauce. Often I don’t use a full ½ cup!
4. Evenly distribute the cheese.
5. Sprinkle broccoli on. If it starts to look like too much broccoli for the pizza, just set the rest aside and eat it while the pizza is cooking.
6. Grind some black pepper and sprinkle it on top.
7. Spray the top of the finished pizza with cooking spray.
8. When the oven preheats, open it, place the cutting board right next to the pizza stone, and use a spatula to slide it in.
9. Set a timer for 8 minutes. When it goes off, reevaluate. Stick a spatula under it to see if it’s still flexible. You want it toasted enough that it doesn’t bend, but not so toasted that it’s burnt. If the edges look browned, take it out.

ENJOY!

NOTE: You want a pizza stone. I have been trying to perfect this recipe for YEARS and trust me, it works best with a pizza stone. It will be crispier and tastier and better in every way. You CAN do it without one, but then you need to put the tortilla in the oven to toast it until it’s stiff enough to hold the toppings, take it out, put the toppings on, put it back in, and watch it like a hawk so it doesn’t burn. Here is more information about how amazing they are in case you’re interested. But know this: People LOVE to buy pizza stones and forget about them, so if you ask around, you will probably find one!

I'm running an ongoing Healthy and Fit Through the Holidays Accountability group online! If you are interested, or want more info, shoot me an email at leahnopants@gmail.com I run these accountability groups regularly so if you're stumbling upon this page at some later point in time, don't hesitate to get in touch!

Mindful eating, aka how I stopped eating my feelings.

Mindfulness is about being present in the moment, focusing on being here, now, and absorbing and enjoying and interacting with your surroundings, instead of worrying about what happened yesterday, or what’s going to happen (or not happen) tomorrow, next week, next year.

Now I could go on and on about mindfulness and how practicing it has helped me recover from a lifetime of binge eating, anorexia and bulimia, but there are people better versed in it than me, so I’ll leave it to them.

I will, however, tell you my biggest takeaway:

The problem isn’t that we eat crap and feel bad. The problem is that we eat crap, feel bad, and are overcome with shame and guilt, which often leads to eating more crap, feeling more shame and guilt, and so on.

I never understood how people could eat crap, feel physically blech, and then get up and live life the next day. I would always let my sluggishness (because let’s be honest, my “crap” is ALWAYS carbs, thus the malaise) compound my shame and guilt. I’d eat more crap. I’d set a date 3 days in the future to stop eating crap, some arbitrary date because “It’s Monday” or “It’s February first” or “It’s 3 months exactly until bikini season.”

The arbitrary start date is a blog rant for another day, but you get what I’m saying.

Then I planned my cheats.

Actually, let’s call them indulgences. I hate the negative connotation of “cheats” and I hate the sound of the word “splurges.”

When someone offered me cupcakes, I wondered, “ Are they worth it? I am going to Friendsgiving this Saturday and I really want to splurge on sweet potato pie with marshmallows on top. Do I really want these cupcakes? Are they that important?”

Then I thought, “I’m going to wait 10 minutes and reevaluate my need for these cupcakes.”

Later that night, someone offered me a drink and I said, “I’ll see how I feel in a little bit,” and I meant it. Then I forgot about it entirely because as it turned out, my body wanted a buttload of seltzer, as it usually does.

What began as a single-minded goal of only indulging when I planned to slowly helped me be more present. I thought about things more. I indulged less frequently. When I indulged, I ate less because I was actually enjoying it, rather than scarfing it down. I noticed when I was full. I ignored this and kept eating, but I stopped before I was uncomfortably full, and definitely before I was Louis CK full.

Suddenly I was a person who could indulge for one meal and get back on track. In the last week, I also became a person who could indulge for one meal that wasn’t planned ahead and get back on track.

I’ve been trying to figure out how it happened. I know it started with my goal of losing weight while still enjoying refined sugar occasionally, but it turned into something bigger, something that I apply most of the time now.

Then it occurred to me: It’s not about carbs, calories or crunches. It’s about being in control and aware of your mind and your emotions. Then you can think over your options carefully, and make an informed decision. Even if it’s a decision that involves far too much bourbon and/or onion rings, it’s a decision you made thoughtfully and mindfully, after considering the consequences.

By making thoughtful choices instead of impulsive ones, you eliminate (or significantly reduce) the shame and guilt. Without that shame and guilt, you can move on without eating crap for the next 5 days. The cycle ends there. Wait. There is no cycle.

You can only do this if you’re fully present in the moment that you’re in.

That is how I took control of my emotions and stopped eating them.

That sentence sounds really strange now that I reread it, but I kind of like it so I’m leaving it.

The weirdest thing is all the mental airspace that’s left now that I’m no longer feeling guilty and ashamed of every time I’m not 100% on point with my nutrition and exercise. In fact, I’m far from it. But I no longer feel awful about a missed workout or eating too many carbs. I just think, “Well, I’ll make healthier choices starting now.”

Sometimes I say things I used to say, like, “Ugh I’m so fat I shouldn’t have eaten that ____,” but I don’t really mean it. I'm not happy with my body right now, but I’m no longer actively shaming myself about it. It’s a body that I have as a result of thousands of tiny decisions I made and DNA, and I realize that it’s going to take a few thousand more tiny decisions to make it into something I’m prouder of. What’s a couple of onion rings in the grand scheme of things?

I’m going to Florida in 16 days and I thought I would be 15 pounds lighter by now, but I’m not. I can still see all the cellulite on my legs. But I’m so much happier that I almost don’t care. I trust the process. I know that I’m fixing my brain and my thighs will follow, and for the first time in my life I realize that my mindset is more important than my body fat percentage, and that, my friends, is huge.

Below are some tips on mindful eating from this website that I found extremely helpful!

Yesterday I ate a pint of Ben&Jerry’s ice cream.

It’s exactly as bad as you think. There is no reasoning that could explain it. There are no extenuating circumstances to validate it.

It wasn’t impulsive. I thought about it, and decided to do it. I walked to Tedeschi and bought it. Then I ate some of it. Then I ate most of the rest of it.

I was stone cold sober.

I am a Beachbody coach. I help others build healthy fitness and nutrition habits. This is my job. I run accountability groups structured around giving people the support they need to accomplish these goals. Yet I ate Ben&Jerry’s last night.

It wasn’t part of my plan. I didn’t work hard on my fitness and nutrition all week so I could earn this. I worked hard all week to earn some splurges on Thanksgiving dinner. I enjoyed them thoroughly, got right back on track, and then for some reason, 2 days later, I went off-track.

I tell you this because I want you to know that it’s okay if you’ve done this too. You’re not alone. We have so much working against us. So many industries (unhealthy food, quick-fix weight loss) want our money and are willing to do anything to get it. There are so many people, and so many companies ready to shame us so that we’ll give them our money.

The only way we can fight it is to talk about it. The only way we can try to build healthier fitness, nutrition and mindset habits is to own every piece of it, and help each other through it. Which is why I’m telling you all about this.

So wherever you are on this journey to a healthier lifestyle, I beg you… Please talk about it. Whether you’re happily on your way to a healthier you, barely hanging in there, or somewhere in between, talk about it. 

I didn’t get into this business so I could run accountability groups full of people who did everything perfectly the first time, all the time, right away.

So how are you?

Really?

Why I became a fitness and nutrition coach

In case you’re wondering why I became a Beachbody Coach, me, with my body image issues, my disordered eating crash diet history, and my lovehandles:

It’s not because I am an expert nutritionist, doctor, or personal trainer. It’s not because I have the perfect body, and it’s not because I want the perfect body. In fact, at my strongest and my thinnest, I still found fault with myself. It’s bigger than my body composition.

I do this because we have so much working against us…

→ unrealistic standards

→ companies trying to capitalize on our insecurities by selling us quick fixes

→ media designed to shame us no matter what our size

→ unhealthy options everywhere we turn

…and the only way to fight all that negativity is as a team. The only way to make a difference on a large scale is to work together.

I do this because want my future children to grow up knowing that food is not the enemy, exercise is not a punishment, and fitting rooms are not places where we cry surrounded on all sides by mirrors. That mindset starts with me.

I do this because I deserve to feel happy and comfortable in my own skin, and so do they, and so do you.